Important Disclaimer: I do not endorse (or recommend) Komunitas Salihara’s Stanislavski class, please read my post here: https://miadjojowasito.com/2016/11/14/important-disclaimer-maria-djojowasito-does-not-endorse-the-stanislavski-class-at-komunitas-salihara/
I do not want my name associated with this community in any capacity and wish to distance myself from Komunitas Salihara and the Stanislavski class. This is not an acting class, this was run like a pay-to-play programme misleadingly marketed as a ‘class’, which was run in a disability-unfriendly environment that is not safe for women:
I wonder if I should even still be in “Lear Asia” anymore at all?
- I feel like in the long run, it’s probably better for me to not have my name associated with the art community/Salieri (and if people ask, I can just tell the truth—why the dynamics were strange in this class and just be honest about the Cordelia casting). It’s easier to distance myself (and thereby keep my name clean) if there is no output.
- I’m not even being “directed”, I’m being stifled and forced into giving a mediocre performance. And I don’t I want to be seen at all if I’m only going to give a half-assed performance (it’s so unrealistic/overambitious, everything is messy and all over the place—plus, I’ve been silenced).
- If I only show up on Thursday/Friday tech week rehearsals, they’ll probably kick me out anyway. But if I show up every night, I won’t be fit for a good performance on the actual play date. Do I want to look sick and give a bad performance?
I’m probably the last person they’d expect to leave after all that accusing me of being a famewhore, etc.
The only thing that’s keeping me from leaving is how hard I’ve worked for it so far (I’ve choreographed like mad, until last week I’ve trained daily, nobody else studied the original Shakespeare version as hard as I have, and nobody even cares about Shakespeare as much as I do—it’s almost like if any deserved to be in a Shakespeare play in this class, it would be me). Those people don’t even care about Shakespeare.
But this is making me look bad.
If I can’t do a good job, I’d rather not do that job at all. I don’t want a spotlight, I want to do a good job—but they’re making it impossible for me to do so.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how they treat me on Thursday. If they treat me badly (still bully me—anytime I take my earphones off I hear something snarky, Salieri nitpicks me instead of logically directing me, ruin the play even more) then I might not show up anymore on Friday/Saturday.
Besides, the anxiety is really bad and it’s making me flare-up. That’s the irony of it: I could have showed up last night but that WhatsApp exchange was what stressed me out and I ended up with a fever. And also the day I was caught on camera being ill, I think I flared-up because I was so under pressure from everyone treating me like a public enemy. I love Shakespeare and I love Cordelia, but I’m not sure letting them bully me into sickness is even worth it anymore (I feel the life of me sucked out when I’m near these people).
And even if I don’t play the role anymore, at least I can tell my story (I still don’t regret leaving the 2010 film where they molested me). I can tell a story about how these people fucked my chance at being in a Shakespeare adaptation on Willy’s 400th anniversary of his death. It’s not a play, but it’s a story. And a good story is better than a bad play. They haven’t won. And I’ll have the last laugh if I do leave…
My fever is higher today, I’m actually burning up and sweating from my own body heat. IDK what’s wrong with me, must Ben the anxiety from the bullying flaring up. Let’s just see how I feel by Thursday. If I feel the slightest discomfort, more bullying, more snarking—I’m taking off. I’m just sick of the whole thing and why stay if I can still have the last laugh anyway?
Anyhow, please don’t show up and watch the play, Lemon. Please. Whether or not I decide to star or leave, just don’t come and watch the play (I know you’re very busy and not even near this time—but just in case you’ve booked tickets/made sneaky arrangements, please cancel them). If you love me, if you truly love me, you wouldn’t celebrate this bullying of me.