Important Disclaimer: I do not endorse (or recommend) Komunitas Salihara’s Stanislavski class, please read my post here:

I do not want my name associated with this community in any capacity and wish to distance myself from Komunitas Salihara and the Stanislavski class. This is not an acting class, this was run like a pay-to-play programme misleadingly marketed as a ‘class’, which was run in a disability-unfriendly environment that is not safe for women:


Sexual harassment at Komunitas Salihara (2016)
Sexual harassment at Komunitas Salihara (2016)



Hi, everyone! I’d just like to warn you that (and apologise if) my English sounds awkward in the next couple of months (until April 16, 2016). I’ve been in bilingual mode (mostly from reading “Lear Asia” in literary/dramatic Bahasa Indonesia as well as writing über long Stanislavksi journal entries for weekly assignment submissions). So I’m pretty much in ‘bilingual mode’ right now, and it can be very confusing for those on the listening/reading end of things (I’ve found myself lost for words quite frequently these past few days, I just can’t seem to think of equivalents of words both ways sometimes). Plus, I’ve been reading “King Lear” study guides (with Elizabethan English on one side and good English on the other) so, technically, it’s like being in ‘trilingual mode’ (because I’m juggling what feels like three different languages, because Shakespeare to plain English feel like Danish versus Dutch). And I end up speaking in English in Bahasa Indonesia and vice versa, I occasionally even think in Bahasa Indonesia although I still dream in English.

If you can’t imagine how that (being in ‘bilingual mode’) feels, as an illustration, it’s kind of like when you say “a woman of a certain age” in an English sentence, but you’re thinking it in your mind as “une femme d’un certain âge” and you feel as if you’re speaking French, but you’re really still speaking English but then not really?

I’m currently drafting a post (inspired by Ahok on “Kick Andy” last week) about how watching “Macbeth” helped me with the extreme anxiety I had after asking for that role (because I want to tell my side of the story of how I got labelled ‘thirsty’ and was treated like I just wanted to be a ‘star’, although I know this). It had great calming effect on me. And how I think it was super unfair for people to treat me like I’m just a thirsty famewhore for simply working so hard (plus, there was a reason why I was so ‘demonstrative’ and obvious between Week 2 and Week 4—which I will explain through the scene where King Macbeth and Lady Macbeth were sitting on the floor in that film).

I know they say you shouldn’t bother trying to explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstanding you, but I thought it would be therapeutic (at least I should do it for myself just to remind myself who I really am, because when people vilify you and treat you like a public enemy and stick labels on you, you start believing it’s true).

Kelas Akting Salihara

Ini kelas akting. Ini kesempatan untuk memerankan apa yang ingin (dan perlu) kita perankan yang tidak terikat dengan bankability atau kepentingan produser dan aku melihat semua kebutuhanku di Cordelia. Aku membutuhkan credit itu di CV-ku. Makannya aku langsung saja bilang aku mau.

Tuh, kan? Aku beneran nggak bohong bahwa aku memang punya ambisi (sesuai yang aku bilang dalam post di blog pribadiku ini). Aku memang ingin memerankan Cordelia karena ambisi dan keperluan CV, hanya saja setelah aku memerankan Cordelia [yang aku pikir] untuk kali terakhirnya sampe mewek, aku baru sadar kalau ambisi itu paling 10% dari keinginan itu, dan 90% lagi karena cinta. Dan aku makin nggak rela melepasnya.

Ketika aku memainkan Cordelia, aku merasa ‘satu’ dengan yang aku cinta. Ketika aku memainkan Cordelia rasanya seperti direngkuh erat, hangat. Dada dan lengan di kedua pipi. Merasa aman. Aku nggak ingin pisah darinya. Aku sudah nggak peduli siapa-siapa yang akan membenciku…

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