Important Disclaimer: I do not endorse (or recommend) Komunitas Salihara’s Stanislavski class, please read my post here:

I do not want my name associated with this community in any capacity and wish to distance myself from Komunitas Salihara and the Stanislavski class. This is not an acting class, this was run like a pay-to-play programme misleadingly marketed as a ‘class’, which was run in a disability-unfriendly environment that is not safe for women:


Sexual harassment at Komunitas Salihara (2016)
Sexual harassment at Komunitas Salihara (2016)



Farewell, Cordelia… Someday I will play Lady Macbeth, but not this time: I refuse to lower myself to their levels and fight this time, I’ll fight when my opponent is worthy. I refuse to play a game that’s unfair and its players’ motivations are so unpure and untrue. Not even for the love of acting.

As promised, I did post my angsty monologue about being ‘punished’ by Indonesian men for being ambitious:

I'm a girl who keeps her words...
I’m a girl who keeps her words…

And I am dead serious, if Lemon were in Indonesia right now, he would’ve come to Salihara duing weekends, and wait for me outside class. And then I’d wave frantically when I see him from the class windows. Then he’d demonstratively show them that I am his—but don’t mistake it as an act of objectifying possessiveness, it’s a favour to help me get those men to leave me alone and let me study in peace:

Lemon would beat them to their deaths. He would be my Lady Macbeth. So senselessly he would beat them, their skulls would look nothing like poor Yorick’s. They would resemble petty shards of glass.

Lemon may be a jealous guy who functions like that John Lennon song, but if he were to beat those two up, it would not be because he was afraid I’d fall in love with them (seriously? With a pushy narcissist and a loud-mouthed attention-whoring misogynist who tries to shoot me down for being clever, talks down to me, and talks because he needs to say something like the Fool in Plato’s quote? I’d rather die a spinster than be with lowlives that low). Jealous guy that he is, Lemon wouldn’t even worry they’d steal my heart. Moreover, it would be ridiculously unrealistic for Lemon to be threatened by them! Just the thought of it makes me LOL. If Lemon beat them up, it would be because Lemon takes acting very seriously. Even more seriously than I do! And to him, it would be unacceptable and intolerable that anyone would ruin an otherwise good acting education and steal a role that means so much to me—just for the fun of trying to get my attention, ruining my future in the process.

And as added bonus, he’d give the class manager and teacher a piece of his mind (about their twisted ‘star’-hating paranoid school of thought, the punishing studious students and rewarding plagiarisers). And he wouldn’t even have to do that for me as a lover or life partner, he would beat them up to their deaths as a friend. Just as an actor who understands what something like this truly means. As an actor, not as a ‘star’ (like they’re so scared of). Out of pure solidarity.

He would destroy them all for daring to destroy me. That’s true love. True love doesn’t anger from being ignored—that’s primitive ego. True love angers from seeing the ones we love hurt and injured. The way those two male classmates have hurt and injured me.

Lemon whispers in my ear and tells me not to be afraid. He says the pain the fear brings isn’t worth it.

I shouldn’t even be this upset: I’m used to being third in line. I’m normally grateful to just be given supporting roles. And even when I do unexpectedly get to play lead, I’m still not the pretty one. I’m used to not getting what I want in life.

I woke up from a dream this morning that I was prepping for another Jakarta Players play. Except we were in the Netherlands and I was going to play a role that was already made mine since autumn 2015. I was so excited about travelling and living somewhere far, far away to stage the play. I hope it comes true. I may lose Cordelia for ridiculous reasons, but I’m sure Chuckling Deity will replace it with something better. In a faraway land… Not in this sexist hellhole of a passport country.

And someday, when I finally matter and when people listen to what I have to say, I will speak up and use this as an example of what torment women have to face and deal with when they try to pursue acting and behave as ambitiously as the average man. And how Goneril had to fight Edmund’s fight.

Kelas Akting Salihara

Lho, kok tanggal 30 Januari pukul 11:48 sudah ada murid yang posting soal minggu keempat? Belum-belum sudah 6,328 kata pula… Iya, minggu ini aku akan nge-blog dengan gaya berbeda. Soalnya minggu ini bukan kelas biasa. Minggu lalu, kelas kita dibagi menjadi tiga kelompok (jumlah murid 21 orang, jadi satu kelompok anggotanya 7–8 orang). Tanggal 30 Januari, kelompok akan latihan untuk menampilkan dua adegan dalam “Lear Asia” di tanggal 31 Januari.

Karena kita akan tampil, maka aku pengen hatiku tenang. Jadi, alih-alih menulis untuk Sabtu dan Minggu digabung jadi satu posting yang aku publish di akhir minggu, aku akan posting sekali sebelum latihan (ngeluarin semua uneg-uneg biar plong, karena kalo aku nggak fokus dan kepikiran nanti kasihan teman-teman sekelompokku nanti yang jadi korban). Lalu aku akan menambahkan apapun yang aku pikirkan setelah kelas Sabtu, supaya aku bisa ngerasa plong di Hari H. Memang ini “cuma lakon kelas”, tapi bagi aku…

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