That awkward moment when one feels compelled to post a video one doesn’t really want to post… But one must (kind of) do it for the love of one’s pet rock.

I really don’t want to flatter anyone, but I really need my “Redbeard the Immortal Blue Carbuncle” video to not be my one and only and last video on my Vimeo (because it’s so sad and depressing, and it makes me look bad) but I can’t take it down because that would worsen my guilt. And I don’t have any other videos to post because I haven’t had any other ideas, so this will have to do:

You can also watch that on YouTube, if for whatever reason you can’t access that video (like if my Vimeo Plus subscription expires—since I’m not entirely sure if I should even, because I don’t regularly make videos to begin with).

I’m doing this for myself, to make peace with myself. Because not posting this above video would mean taking the Redbeard video down and taking it down would mean I would feel guilty all over again (and the purpose of that vlog was to share in order to relieve myself from the guilt the subject of that video was causing me). I don’t know why life has to be so bloody complicated sometimes. So I had to post that video even if I’m bitter about having to explain myself in an accompanying post—though I will admit laughing at bums is fun as hell. Because I don’t want to flatter people—and I want to make that very clear! But at the same time, I would feel terrible about Redbeard.

So let be it clear that this shouldn’t flatter anyone, but I’m willing to set my ego aside for Redbeard’s sake.

Actually, what’s truly strange and amazing to me is the fact that I lasted as long as I lasted, that keeping the guilt about Redbeard to myself for nearly a year (he’s on my nightstand, FFS! And occasionally in my backpack). Since Halloween 2014! And I just didn’t grow up like that, you know? I’ve been allowed the Internet since I was about 13 years old, I think? And I was first drawn to it because I knew it was a way for me to be heard (being unheard is a huge theme in my life). So the Internet is part of my ‘self’, and I’m not used to not speaking out, or not tweeting/blogging about something that bothers without exploding. I don’t live in an era where I can write a letter that’s meant for that recipient’s eyes only. I’m just amazed with myself (and somewhat proud) that I managed to keep such strong feelings about something that meant so much to me under a lid for so long… Phew.

ETA: Actually, I’m very proud of myself right now. I swallowed my pride about this blog. I meant to make it public on August 9. But then I wasn’t feeling well and I had to postpone (made it public on August 11, albeit the sloppy unedited version). I’m extra motivating about the #WinterConstellationProject.

So, I am so very sorry to disappoint you if you thought that Redbeard video was an act! No, that was not ‘acting’ at all! I’m a shit actress, I could never have ‘pulled that off’ if it were just an act. That was a vlog, not a performance (but I’m cool with admitting that, okay? I don’t want to be a fraud and I would never pass real feewings off as ‘talent’ or ‘skill’).

I just feel like because I dropped Redbeard while I was having fun, it made it worse. Because it feels so selfish. That’s all. I don’t think I would have felt so bad about dropping him if I was miserable (like if I wasn’t doing it for my own benefit) or not having so much fun when I dropped him, you know?

And speaking of that video… I was so eager to share for therapeutic purposes and publicly apologise to Redbeard, that I had a stupid helicopter moment (the part where my Android/iPad reflected light and you couldn’t really see the Instagram photo I wanted to show at 01:57, which was supposed to be this one). So that’s a second good excuse for this blog post. And that is the second reason for this blog post. Because I wanted to address that glitch without having to randomly paste a clip into this video. I was originally tempted to add a correction video (at the risk of being anticlimactic) but decided against it and so I’m going to just address that here.

Oh, well. I suppose it’s okay to look tewwible as long as I’m doing the right thing. He deserved for me to look awful now because I dropped him in the process of making myself look good the first time. Saya bukan tipe orang yang suka berdansa di atas penderitaan orang, sih…

Oh, and the third reason for this blog post being necessary is that: I misunderstood the subtitles/captions for the second painting I presented! LMAO! The caption says “play scene”, which I simply understood as “a scene off the play”, but actually the website owner meant to say it was a painting of the “I know what you did last summer scene” (the one where Hammy has actors stage an I-can-totes-relate-to-this play, as in the play in the play and not the play itself). So now it makes sense why there are so many random people! However, I still do think it’s strange how there are always creepy random people hanging around in old paintings.

And, again, I have completely forgotten that “Reviving Ophelia” was not my first experience with Shakespeare:

I filmed that video thinking of that book as my first. Again. I don’t know why that is? I sometimes like to call myself “Baby Macbeth” or “Coriophelia” when I feel like it (I almost became Desdemona too last year, but something didn’t work out and, as a result, I evolved Lady Macbeth 2.0 instead—I think I may be a widdle scared of what I’ve become. LOL). But I never really cared much for “Romeo & Juliet”. Maybe it’s just not My Chemical Romance enough for me? I could care less about that story, the characters do such stupid things—all of them, the young and foolish, as do the primordial grown-ups (and IRL, men aren’t like that unless, again, they’re naïve and/or plain stupid—it’s a very bad example to teach girls to trust and emotionally invest in men like that). I find it very telling how I was very excited about it when I was like 12, and then I forgot about it pretty quickly (and when I got an iPad for my birthday—which means built-in dictionaries, which are brilliant—I didn’t even bother downloading that one). Zzz… IDK why my first experience with Willy had to be so underwhelming (I guess that’s a good thing because then I didn’t develop into a gushing idiot about him). It didn’t leave an impression on me like how I became Baby Macbeth last year. I don’t relate to it in any way—not even like with Richie Three Patron Saint of Family Black Sheep, and I don’t wish to emulate any part of it. Meh.

Have I ever mentioned that while revisiting Ophelia, I learned a new word? Erotomania. What a beautiful, lovely-sounding word.

Actually, I have had some pretty crappy experiences with Shakespeare in general. I believe there is even a Shakespearean Indonesian (I saw “Shakespeare In Love” on a film channel I can’t remember years ago and I couldn’t understand Bahasa Indonesia subtitles—major WTF moment, that). IDK if the translator was just messing with us? Because I saw “Coriolanus” (with “The Constant Gardener” dude) on FX Asia and the subtitles were in proper English. And I was serious that as a real-life editor, I would have hated Willy Shakespeare’s guts! Just watch this sketch about Willy’s editor (SMDH, good Lord).

Come to think of it, Ophelia’s not so bad. I mean of course I’m grateful for the book “Reviving Ophelia” existing (in addition to it being a good psychology book which taught me to not accept any BS from incompetent Indonesian mental health professionals—even my friends warned me against them because they have their own ‘sanity threshold’ and just want to sell you drugs! Plus, the news has them as resource persons about how homosexuality is classified as a personality disorder—I think homophobia/biphobia should be classified as a mental illness). But Ophelia doesn’t deserve to be the symbol of female idiocy. At least Ophelia has enough self-respect to go bonkers over the knowledge that she’s being mistreated and disenchanted. Makes Juliet look like a legit foolish bimbo in comparison, doesn’t it? Because you just know as soon as Romeo grows up a bit and lives life, he’ll be just like Hamlet and take out all his frustrations out on her (except Juliet’s just going to take his BS instead of go bonkers like a self-respecting woman). Having a propensity toward mental illness isn’t a crime, but being stupid is! There’s no shame in what happened to Ophelia, in fact it’s honourable what her mind did to her… Juliet would reduce Sheldon Cooper to tears of blood.

But then again, I don’t really care for Hamlet, either: I care mostly about Ophelia and I like that she drowns. Though I still want to see Japanese/Kabuki Hamlet really bad.

Sorry if this blog post is sloppy! I just got back from an impromptu road trip to Cirebon and Parijs van Java. We just finished our annual event thing and my friends decided on a spontaneous trip to Cirebon where we had dinner, really good oolong-ish green tea, and visited the Sultanate’s kraton—and my friend told me an interesting story about how the de jure first-in-line Sultan is an Autie as well as the Cirebon train station (which reminds me of Groningen Centraal). And then I had a major “Javanese Downton Abbey” moment:

Then we slept at Rest Areas while some of us took turns driving and decided, suddenly at like 04:00 in the morning, to have breakfast in Parijs van Java. We took photos in front of Gedung Sate and hung around the Post Museum (which wasn’t yet open, because it was only 07:30) and I lied about “owning” Parijs van Java (I was only born there, but I don’t actually ‘own’ the city). And I’m rambling, but this is my website so I can do as  please! Believe it or not, it lasted for the less than 24 hours, after we left the Erasmus Huis, had supper, headed east at about 19:00 and back in J-Town by 11:00-ish Sunday morning. It was so “Rabat”, the trip! I even yelled at people just like in the film and everything.

And now I have to finish this blog post before “Hannibal” starts.

You know how they say that you’re only as good as your last film? Well, I don’t want to be thought of as a sad girl who dropped her pet rock (and that makes my Vimeo account look so, so depressing… But I also don’t feel like showing my July 6, 2014 video, either). And I just cannot delete that video, or I’ll spiral back into guilt all over again—or it’ll just make it even worse because I feel sacrificing Redbeard just to make myself look good over and over and over! I’d rather give in and sacrifice my pride than deal with hurting Redbeard again (not that I have an ego problem anyway). And unfortunately this is the only video I have, I have no new ideas because I’m nervous about moving out of my current apartment—one reason being I don’t like living on a landed house because it scares me, and I won’t be posting any new videos anytime soon because I’ll be busy moving (and no more “Inception” halls for me).

ETA: I just learned how to mosaic/censor videos and now “July 6, 2014” is also public!

So, before I go! Let me just shoehorn this one more time: I’m doing this for Redbeard and no Homo sapiens should be feeling flattered by my video. This blog was originally a “Bridge-Burning Blog” (and it still is). But I needed a special blog category for when I do blog posts for specific videos too.

Erotomania and ego, they mix like water and oil… There’s no ‘punishing’, it’s just not real.
Just stay away and keep it unreal, so it doesn’t scare me the way the ocean does.
Please never contact me ever again. If you do, it would make all the pain real.
And I could die, so please just stay away from me, please keep me crazy.
You can look, but don’t touch. You can ‘have’ me as long as I’m unreal.
Then I’d be fine, I think… It’s not ego, I just want to be healthy…
If you try to reach out to me again, I will make sure to die.
Attempt to own me fully, and you will lose me fully.
One can only have one version of life be real.

Last updated: August 12, 2015
(The initial drafts were written in haste before being made public on August 5–9, so please excuse the sloppiness.)